Sweden cancels Russian yoghurt

On the kefir calamity

Yeah, so Sweden’s largest dairy corporation has decided to cancel their kefir brand since it’s “associated with Russia”.

No aspect of the production is actually connected to Russia, mind you. But the packaging has featured a picture of St. Basil’s Cathedral since the product was launched, I think, back in the 80s.

So that’s gone from the shelves. This is brilliant. This is meaningful. This is brave and valiant corporate activism at its finest. This is just like how we burned every McDonald’s to the ground in 2003, and poured millions of gallons of Coca-Cola into every gutter until the sewers were completely clogged with a sticky, redolent, molasses-like goo and cholera became a top-five cause of death. Gotta break some eggs to make a statement.

Following the dairy’s excellent example, the first thing on my list today will be to cut up my copy of Бра́тья Карама́зовы and flush it down the toilet. I’d use it as tissue for good measure, but the pages are a bit too sharp and brittle.

My mother-in-law keeps a borzoi, so he’s a goner. I’ll drive over there and strangle the “regime-associated” pupper later this afternoon. I kind of like him too, so that’ll score some extra virtue points for sure.

Such a beautiful animal.

Pavel Schilling’s work on telegraphy is too important for the technological foundations of the Internet, so after this is posted, I’m down in the basement cutting the broadband connections. My neighbours will surely understand.

And did you know that modern radiators were invented in Russia? I have a sledgehammer in the garage that’s going to render that little piece of historical aberration but a memory. Spaceflight, diesel-electric locomotion and organ transplants will naturally have to go as well.

AND NO MORE TETRIS FOR YOU MOM, IT’S EITHER TETRIS OR UKRANIAN LIVES

(Much worse than Hitler.)

Finally, I’m going to carve a pound of flesh off of my own body and immolate it on a little altar of political correctness due to the indirect role of Russian petroleum in sculpting and maintaining this exquisite mortal husk of mine.

I know these are hard choices to make, but we all have to come together on this. We can truly make a change in the world through these vague, effeminate and incoherent symbol politics.